Friday, 18 October 2013

Black and white saturdays

Normally I am not afraid of pain. I accept it. Embrace it. Sleep with it. Absorb it in my blood till it becomes a part of my cells. Breathes in oxygen. Only certain times pain becomes cancerous. Starts eating away the core of my existence. Becomes so overwhelming that everything else stops to exist.

That's the kind of pain I find myself in now. The worst part of it is, I don't know the reason. That makes me helpless. I am never afraid of a problem, when there is one, there always is some way out...some solution. I am only afraid of the unknown. It's like fighting an enemy you cannot see.

I wake up in the mornings with a severe pain. I feel I have spent the night away fighting monsters and everything is so unreal I find it difficult to talk to anyone about it. I can't see bruise marks but I know they are there, in every dull ache of the limb, they are there. I taste bitter. No amount of green tea, coffee or lemon tea can cure it. My favorite Cadbury hot chocolate is out of the market for quite some time. That was one thing that would empower me greatly. This is all a big conspiracy. The unavailability of drinking chocolate powder. Yes.

The day  passes in limbo. There is no fire to burn me to the core. To fuel me to race forward. I can't live an insipid life. An then there is nothing to inspire. In one of those moods when I can't read. I don't like letters. Sometimes an occasional book maybe. But I just can't stand the letters. They seem to bore into the brain and bore me to death. Reading seems so passive on days like these when I want to jump down from a cliff. Do something crazy. Something that gives the adrenaline kick.

I am an addict. I need to always be on a high. I can't live a normal life in which I go to office everyday, do my work and come back. I need to get that feeling that I have lived. Everyday. Predictability kills me. I don't want to know what I'll be doing the other moment. I want long drives. I want to ride a bike on 120. I want to feel alive.

Why am I like this? I was born this way. Never liked a dull moment in life. It starts to cause physical pain. It makes me feel shackled. I am a control freak. I obsess too much over puny details in life that I cannot control. I need to learn to let it go. Like the lives of people I love. For all my prayers. I can't help them in any way and that drives me crazy. Because I cannot live their lives for them. I have to sit quietly and see them shatter, piece by piece and then be there to help them bring themselves together. It Frikking HURTS.

Life is like a war at times. It corners you. Drives you mad. Leaves you weaponless. Mercilessly wounds you. Makes you go over the strategy over and over again your head and yet wonder, where, what I did wrong. What could have I done to avert! Like love. It gets hold of you in your weakest moments and mocks you in your face. Somehow implying that I had a role in how things panned out. Dismissing my pleas that it was involuntary. I couldn't have possibly done anything. It can be circumstantial.

Of all the qualities that make a person, I place kindness on the highest pedestal. Specially in times of grief. In times of conflict. In times of helplessness. We need to be kind. To life. To our friends and families. To strangers. And most of all, to ourselves.

And pray. Close your eyes and believe. Somehow it will all turn out well. There will be sunshine. There will be love. There will be laughter. Till then, hang on!


Soliloquies BeyondFewWords said...

somehow I just want my heart to go numb, to stop feeling at times but then it never happens, I just have to close my eyes and surrender self to sleep

Avinaash Malhotra said...

Puja, Each word jotted above ,I feel sighs coming out of my heart. All the best.