The book of no memories

In love there is no past tense.

...
1st August
The hug, albeit in a dream, felt like warmth surging through every pore of my being...like a shot of whisky...on the chilling altitudes of 10000ft. 

I love you...said my muse in a voice barely audible...but of course, it wasn't meant for my ears...it was meant for my soul and that heard it crystal clear...like the first fm radio transmissions.

The soul...like the Gryffindor's sword, only imbibes that which strengthens it...pure love, kindness, warmth of a laughter and maybe a moment of that infinite connection. That moment pauses everything...in that moment I exist only for you...and my lips don't move but my entire existence becomes those three words...I love you. 

Love is as exhausting as it is fulfilling.

9th May 9.21 am

I saw Anna Karenina yesterday. Haven't read the book though. This movie made me fall in love. What I liked best was the technique. The entire movie was created in the form of a larger than life stage and as the movie progresses, the stage elements begin to be less obvious. 

The screenplay and direction were fabulous...totally fabulous. I haven't seen such a different movie in a long long time. 

And on top of it Vronsky...blue eyes...golden locks and a blue uniform...I don't remember the last time I saw someone so drop-dead Gorgeous. 

Want to write about the movie...but no time  Sigh!

6th May 7.54 pm
woke from dreaming but it took convincing
I was shaking screaming i was still alive
---
Sinking somewhere...the song lashes at me...puts vinegar in old wounds and laces them with salt. I still can't go on.
Depression looms deep and the clouds won't go away...I get scared, I get restless and I wonder if at all life has some respite from this anxiety. Don't feel like working, don't feel like writing...just feel like running away to some place far...somewhere on sea shore...where there are books and music and movies that I love.

I am going crazy again!

8.34 am
I suffer from severe anxiety...for a long time I did not know the exact word for it...everything I used to describe the condition was still to vague to be addressed by any doctor.

I stumbled upon it yesterday...I don't know if medicines help or if anything helps...the physical aspects of it are pretty disturbing. The constant heart-ache, pain, not able to think properly, irritation, anger, fear, feeling of loss, being unloved, everything gets mixed together. If I try reason, I shouldn't be facing any of these pains at all. Logically I should be a reasonably happy person at peace.

Logic does not follow reality I guess.

Had a strange night...wasn't able to sleep properly, had nightmares...sometimes I also wonder if I am going mad or something, is there something like do I have the mental capacity to hold on for this long...does anxiety affect any other functions?

Feeling severely depressed. Not able to write it off too.

4th May 10:48 am
My muse...my love...spent the morning scanning some pictures of yours...you are like some abstract painting, every time I see you, a new story is born...I feel like flying...I become light as a feather...I drift on the whiff of musk...I feel your touch on my wrists...there is no tattoo but the fragrance of your goodbye.

15th April 8.24 pm
It was a golden evening...the sky was tinted with the gold of your eyes...the air had a hint of your laughter...I could feel the musk of your voice on my wrists...where you kissed me before the final goodbye...chaining me to the last image of your departure...it reminded me of rains in some faraway country...the grains of sand flickered past and the night stars replaced the gold in the sandclock.
How many lifetimes has it been since I last saw you?

I wonder if there are fragments of my memories bookmarking the pages of your life we spent together...a quietness begins to fall, a dampness in my heart refuses to go away...there is a flicker of your name...fading initials etched on some rock we sat and spent the evening laughing...

There is a longing...a yearning...a search...where are you...my beloved...my muse...where are you?

7th April 2:38 am

I don't know why I think of you and a man playing violin by the river in a same flashback.
I miss you. I miss the whole comfort of being able to call you when I want to. I miss the time when the city felt warm...as a hug. And though I never did hug you I wish I had...life's too small for such puny regrets.
I made a promise to myself never to utter these three words unless they screamed from the very core of my existence.
I love you.
You are in my prayers. Always.

5th March 8.11am

I always thought one minute flies by. But sometimes it really lingers on. Once, a person pointed at his watch and said to me, that because of that minute, he'd always remember me. It was so charming listening to that. But now I look at my watch and tell myself that I have to forget this man starting this very minute.

-Days of Being Wild

24th Feb 11.30 am

I am a very very confused person. There is a turbulence in me that refuses to die away...I sometimes get very irritated about this restlessness because this is not directed at anything, there is no outcome of it...or at least any desired outcome of it. 

In my heart of hearts I know I need to be working on something I am maddening in love with...but now I am afraid...love is a scary thing...it takes a life of its own...behaves like a parasite and soon nothing of me remains in me...I become obsessed with an idea. 

Too much procrastination. 
I took up a job because I wasn't able to do anything that I want to do...now I stand on the land of confusion still...there is no compass to guide my way. Though I am not afraid to take a path that is wrong...I do not want to hurt anyone...I inadvertently end up hurting the people who love me most.

I sometimes wish life for me was simpler...like my other friends who are happy in their jobs...for them the only worry is the increment percentage...office politics...such small things in life and they are so full of it. They don't think their life is going wasted. What is wrong with me?! What is it that I am desperately dying to do...where is that spark of idea...why do I kill all my story ideas before even fleshing them out...

What is it that I need to talk about...what is it that is killing me from inside...why can't I give words to the chaos that is playing havoc with me. I purposefully isolate myself from the world...yet there is cacophony...O God! how do I sort myself out!!!